As Labor Day comes to a close, I'm left sitting here thinking about how I make my living. More than ever, it has definitely become a labor of love. This has nothing to do with the state of the portrait photography or wedding photography industy, but something very personal. Not something I'm usually inclinded to do on this blog, but I'm compelled to share my feelings since I feel I'm coming to a crossroad.
As I was expressing to someone the other day, I honestly feel I have the best job in the world. While were constantly being bombarded with negativity in the media and other areas of life, my work is always positive. While it may get stressful at times trying to juggle being a business owner and a wife and Mom, on the whole, my business makes me extremely happy. How many other jobs let you experience and celebrate all the joys of being alive? I get to see families just beginning when I photograph a newborn. Then I get to watch these children grow and reach milestones, like their first birthday or receiving their sacraments. I see my favorite families celebrate their holidays year after year, and I watch as their families grow. New babies come into the picture, and I get to be a part of that sibling interaction as I pose them and play games to make them smile for the camera. But more than just those moments in the studio, I get to be part of these joyous occasions in a very significant way. I get to capture them! I get to hold these moments forever and hand them to Mommy & Daddy in the form of a portrait, that will hopefully hang on the wall so generations to come can be a part of these moments too.
This year is the 10th anniversary of having my own studio. At the beginning of 2013, I had all these wonderful ideas to celebrate this entity that brings me enjoyment (and income), and hopefully brings happiness to my clients too. I also wanted to give back to those clients that have trusted me to document their family. I was going to go through my archives and post some then and now portraits, I was going to put up a new website, I was going to have special portrait days and give away gifts, and I was also going to ramp up my workshops and teaching engagements. I realized I still had the same excitement for my business as I did in the beginning, and I knew it was going to be a banner year. I had it all planned out.
What I didn't plan for was that health issues were going to grind me down almost to a halt.
Being Italian American, there are certain things you are taught you don't disclose. You don't tell people your "personal business", and you don't complain about stuff - you keep it to yourself and you just push through with a smile on your face. This is ingrained in me, and I try to make this my nature, except the pain betrays me. And then I will discuss what is happening to me, but feel incrediably guilty about it. Guilt because I can't push myself through it. Guilt because I opened my mouth and admitted that something is wrong, and that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Guilt because I'm letting my clients down with delays. But it has come to the point where I HAVE to talk about it, because it's a reality right now. One that I'm trying and praying to change.
In 2008, after suffering from weird body aches and joint stiffness for three years, I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease called Sjogren's Syndrome. It was a bit of a shock but not surprising, since it runs in my family and we lost my Dad to lymphoma. I was started on medication, and continued to work like business as usual, because I was used to pushing through. It certainly made the physical part of my job harder, but I managed the best I could by resting after sittings and having my husband come down to the studio to help me set up the backdrops or tear down the sets.
And then my health situation was compromised further in January, when an old enemy reared it's ugly head. Remember when I said I was used to pushing through a physical hardship? The biggest secret I carry with me, as I work with couples starting their family and we talk about the pregnancy, delivery, etc., is that I am extremely lucky to have the three healthy children that I have. I spent my 20's putting my body through the wringer to have give birth to my children. During my pregnancies, I was in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time on IV medication for preterm labor. I had to have my cervix stitched closed to keep my babies inside, not always with success. In between my two beautiful daughters, I had a still born from preterm labor in January 1995, and in 1996, I gave birth to quadruplets that were also born prematurely. My four tiny 1lb babies passed away over the course of a week. 17 years later, it's still devastating to think about, and can bring me to tears. The problem was I suffered from secondary infertility due to endometriosis, and had five laparoscopic surgeries to clear away the cysts and the scarring so I could get pregnant, and then maintain a pregnancy. All my babies were preemies, and once my son was born at 34 weeks gestation, I felt I would never have to deal with the issue again. I accomplished what seemed like the impossible, i had my three babies and my family was complete.
Yet even if I wanted to ignore the endometriosis because i was no longer trying to have a baby, the problem was progressing regardless, and in January of this year it hit a crisis point. I was in denial. It was not possible I could STILL have this issue on top of my auto immune disorder, but the pain and other symptoms were just getting worse and worse. In June I was admitted to the hospital, and I have spent my summer traveling to the city once or twice a week for doctor visits. Urology, Gynocology, Oncology, Internist, Pain Management, plus the Rhuematologist. The jury is still out about what course of action to take. For now, they are trying to treat me with medicine instead of surgery because of the amount of scar tissue I already have, and the fear that doing surgery will only increase the scar tissue. But if pushing through one problem was hard, pushing against two has been a bit much, to say the least.
But I'm not ready to stop. I don't want to stop. I LOVE what I do!! I know that these experiences make me the photographer that I am, because every child is a gift, and life is so precious. And transient. I can feel that within me all the time now. It especially aches when I look at my own children, who seem to grow like weeds. Photography gives me the ability to stop time, and then as it keeps moving along unrelenting as it does, it lets me roll back the clock when I look over my images. And then that pang stings a little less, and is replaced with a smile and a happy memory. And not just for my family......but for every family I work with. This is what touches me and keeps me motivated to create, regardless of my phsyical state.
So I want to assure my clients that mentally I am unchanged, and have no desire to stop working. The reality of the situation is a different story. Orders might take a little longer to be processed. We will have to take less sittings per week for a while until there is a resolution to the situation. If you are a friend of mine on Facebook, you might know that treatment has been a slow process, with a series of ups and downs (and more downs than ups lately). But I am still dedicated to my business and the families I serve! My clients are important to me, which is why I want to take the mystery out of the situation. I hope by sharing my current health struggle, you don't lose confidence in my ability to create portraits for your family that you will treasure for lifetimes. That would hurt more than any illness ever could.
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